Choose your people

Dunbar’s research is brutal: you can only maintain about 150 meaningful relationships. Most people try to maintain 500 connections on LinkedIn and wonder why they feel lonely. This isn’t networking. It’s self-delusion.

The “you’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with” line gets thrown around like a bumper sticker. But the research underneath it is solid. Nicholas Christakis and James Fowler found that obesity, smoking, and even happiness spread through social networks like contagions. Your friends’ friends affect your behaviour - people you’ve never met. Your social environment isn’t just context. It’s causation.

Here’s what nobody tells you: relationships aren’t accidents. They’re choices. Most people inherit their social circle - childhood friends, college roommates, coworkers assigned by HR - and never examine whether those relationships still serve them. That’s not loyalty. That’s drift.

Design the seats before you fill them. What roles do you actually need? Someone who challenges you intellectually. Someone who tells you when you’re being an idiot. Someone who’s farther along the path you’re walking. Someone who makes you laugh. Someone who needs your help and lets you give it. Not everyone in your life needs to fill every role. But if a seat is perpetually empty, you’ll feel it - even if you can’t name what’s missing.

Giving belongs here, too. Not as strategy. Not as “adding value to your network.” Just generosity - unexpected gifts, helpful introductions, favours with no expectation of return. Adam Grant’s research on givers and takers shows that the most successful people in almost any field are givers. But here’s the catch: the least successful are also givers. The difference? Successful givers have boundaries. They give strategically, not indiscriminately. They’re not doormats.

People want to help those who are visibly taking action. This is the secret to finding mentors. Don’t ask someone successful to “pick their brain.” That’s asking for free consulting. Instead, do something. Build something. Ship something. Then reach out and show them what you made. Mentors don’t help people with potential. They help people with momentum.

You probably have at least one relationship that’s draining you - someone who takes more than they give, who subtly makes you feel worse about yourself, who you keep around out of obligation rather than genuine connection. You know who it is. The question is what you’re going to do about it.

Some relationships need to end. Most just need renegotiation. But either way: you don’t owe anyone your time. Especially not people who make you smaller.

Look at your calendar from last month. Who did you spend the most time with? Is that who you would have chosen?