Love others fiercely

M. Scott Peck’s definition cuts through the greeting-card nonsense: love is the will to extend oneself for one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Not the feeling of love. The will. Love is action. It’s a verb you conjugate with your time, attention, and choices.

Most people confuse love with niceness. They’re not the same. Niceness avoids conflict. Love runs toward it when necessary. The friend who tells you you’re screwing up your marriage, even though it’s uncomfortable - that’s love. The colleague who stays quiet while you self-destruct - that’s not kindness. That’s cowardice wearing kindness as a costume.

Gottman’s research on marriage is terrifying and useful. He can predict divorce with over 90% accuracy by watching couples interact for fifteen minutes. The difference between couples who last and couples who don’t isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s the repair. Successful couples rupture and repair constantly. Failed couples let small wounds fester into resentment.

The repair move is simple but hard: name the rupture, own your part, make amends. “I was dismissive earlier when you were trying to tell me about your day. That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry.” Most people skip this because it requires admitting fault. So they let small things accumulate until the relationship dies under the weight of a thousand unspoken grievances.

Give people what they truly need, not what flatters them in the moment. This is the hard part. Your friend doesn’t need you to validate their bad decision - they need you to ask the questions they’re avoiding. Your partner doesn’t need you to agree with them - they need you to take them seriously enough to disagree. Fromm called this “productive love”: love that helps someone become more fully themselves, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Attention is the rarest gift you can give. Not distracted, phone-in-hand, half-listening attention. Actual presence. Put the phone in another room. Look at their face. Track what they’re saying. Notice when they light up or go quiet. This isn’t about technique - it’s about respect. Most people have never experienced full attention. When you give it to them, they notice.

Unexpected generosity compounds. The text that says “I was thinking about you.” The book you send because it reminded you of a conversation. The favour done without being asked. These aren’t transactions. They’re deposits in a relationship that might not pay dividends for years - or ever. That’s not the point. You do it because of who you want to be, not what you want to get.

You’re probably avoiding a hard conversation right now. You know the one. The relationship that needs recalibration. The boundary that needs setting. The apology that needs making.

Love isn’t always comfortable. But love that avoids discomfort isn’t love at all.

What’s the conversation you’ve been putting off? Have it this week.